I have been spending a great deal of time looking at my life, my palette. I have taken a meditation course. I have been meditating for years, but each time a do a course another layer of the onion peels off and insight comes.
Well, I am in a very good place. We come up to Christmas, a very romantic time of year, filled with memories of past Christmasses. Well, two years ago Christmas in Vernon, with the kids, but me with this whatever it was, spending all day on the sofa instead of out on the hills skiing with my kids. And saying goodbye to them, bruised from Mom's passing a month earlier, my physical state which was very painful and with only questions about just what was going on. It was a pretty intense Christmas. Off to Singapore, the unknown, away from kids, away from siblings to share grieving with, to a depth of loneliness I had never experienced before.
Last Christmas, still in pain, not wanting anything to do with Christmas, putting my head down and ploughing throughout the season. And then in January the kids came and it was wonderful. I was still in pain, but I had those endorphins racing around because I was surrounded by love and surrounded by recipients of my love.
I have this marker that in February I was at the osteopath's and I reported I was without pain. I have no idea what happened, but I was in pain in January when the kids were here, and then one morning in February I woke up, got out of bed, and was shocked to realize I did not have to prepare myself, exercising my legs to weight bare, I could stand and walk like a real person, not a 95 year old. I really think it was the endorphins of my kidlets around me.
So here I am, with Christmas coming. I am doing a Christmas eve turkey, ham, beef roast dinner for orphan Canadians. Some pilot friends of Tim's who are available. Tim is in charge of putting up the tree and decorating it. He did that last year, knowing I did not want one. He put it up while I was in BC and i came home to the Xmas tree. He did a beautiful job, and it wasn't really that bad to have it up. The kids were coming soon so all was well.
So a marker in the year. Where am I? Well I would say I am one of the luckiest people in the world. I appreciate that my body works the way I want it to. I have yoga classes I can attend every day if I want. I have a gym that is cold, and I can go down there every day to cool off! HA I can take classes (cooking, meditation, tai chi, whatever. To appreciate something as simple as getting out of a chair with no excruciating pain, to get up after a movie and be able to walk out without waiting for legs to say okay. I appreciate every move. My sleep is better than it has been in ten years. Doctor here changed a medication I had for sleep and I now sleep deeply, and so can restore my health.
The travelling we have done it unbelievable. When we find 5 days off, we kind of throw the dart at the map of SEAsia and see where to go next. Every month we go somewhere. It really is a dream existence.
I feel very much in the home stretch. We look at heading back in April. We can start work on Southwinds come May, so that is our marker. But before that, we will spend Dev 20-23 on the beaches of Langkawi, the northern west coast of Malaysia, on the Andaman Sea, looking out at India, if we had really good eyesight. It has wonderful diving/snorkelling. Tim has 12 days in January and we have to throw some darts for that. And then 12 days in March. More darts. My girlfriend Jane Morgan comes in February. We are going to go to Myanmar, and then probably the north part of Vietnam. Pretty fine. eh what?
This morning I got a Skype from my sister in law and brother. It has made me so happy. A video Skype with family back home can feed me for days. That deals with the feeling of loneliness that I have in spite of this wonderful life. Family and friends are where it is at, no matter how full the palette is.
My blog records the number of "hits" I get. My numbers have lessened. It is my nightmare that I will be forgotten and when I come home looking to be back in to the fold, life will have moved on and nobody knows me. Not quite that bad, but it does play with my anxiety about coming home and building my connections again. If you lovely people wrote me and maybe let me know what is up in your lives ( as I bare all of mine to you), your could help me with my anxiety level. HA
Happy preparing for the holidays. Stay warm , I certainly am.
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